Daggers

Sometimes I wish I could figure out what it would take to be enough. There are times when it hurts too much, and I get tired of pretending I'm just fine so that everyone else can be okay. I mean, it's what I do. I take it upon myself to bear the world on my shoulders so that others can have the peace I'm not sure how to attain. I guess in my head, if I'm not going to have peace anyway, I might as well go the extra mile to help someone else have it. Still, there are times I'd like for someone to really get it. Maybe it's about being okay with who I am in my own shoes, but I think I'm getting better at not apologizing for who I am, so what then? What's wrong with wanting people to see you and understand you? Maybe I can't handle that. I am incredibly broken and burned, indeed. Still, I'm tired of living with these daggers and blades in my heart. Settling for the pain. Will I ever sincerely laugh again? Consistently and frequently? Will I ever feel honest again? I feel a liar as I walk around with my mask of "okay" on. I have improved and healed and gotten better than I was, but sometimes I still don't know if I've actually achieved "okay." Love scares me for I don't want to be torn apart again, but does anyone really love broken anyway? I don't know. Maybe this is a gift in disguise for the days when I'm a bit more whole. Today is a day of frustration and pain in my heart. I am breathing, though, and about to let it all go for the moment and numb myself with movies and television. Here's to hoping your day is brighter and full of peace.
♥Beanie

Decisions For My Path

Today I found myself happy. My last few days, few weeks, few months (though filled with the treachery of dealing with growth, healing and emotions), have been just right. I have my family (in all of it's wonderful insanity), the babies, the mountains and...the peace. The peace of knowing I'm okay and I'm loved, but not the peace of being still or set in a path. How do you leave one home and one family to go to another "home" and another family? Having people close in this way is something I'm not used to (or at least used to lasting), so I tend to struggle in letting it go out of my imaginary grasp. I learned the hard way what happens when you hold on too long, and maybe that's part of why I run away from, well...everything. It is, unfortunately, fear posing as bravery. My heart loves and yearns for things I have a hard time believing in anymore. Thus, when I find myself healing and trusting again, I get scared. I think I'm afraid of being healthy because it leaves me open to be burned again. On the other hand, I'm fooling myself if I pretend it's not who I am to try and trust and love. It's part of what I like about myself, but it makes things confusing and scary, and I'm not a big fan of my head being a big swamp at night for which I have no lamp or map...ugh. Is this part of life? If so, how do I learn to love THIS part of it? It sounds so easy, but when it comes to the application of a simple life principal, it's a totally different story. It's been nice to have this beauty and rest in my life. The recovery and the safety. Learning the love of a real family. Having someone to love that lets it in...it's so nice. Getting to learn who the people around you are, and knowing that for once, they're good people. Worthy investments. Now a part of you that maybe won't stab you in the back this time, because they understand that, too. The simplicity of walking outside and breathing fresh, snowy air. Sitting down in a quiet house at night to play WOW. Running around in a crazy house stopping little ones from burning the house down, or you know, blowing up the world. *Chuckles* I didn't think these things could fulfill me or leave me content, but I find myself thinking this is enough. I'm understand that at the end of the day, I just want those people I love around me and/or to be happy. I want to know they're okay, and they go to sleep knowing they mean something to me/someone. It's nice not to be so consumed by falling apart and being alone to be able to think in such a way again. It's been a long time. Which brings me back to my original point: what do I do now? It's not so much a sincere question of external advice as it is an internal searching. What part of me do I lead with? What parts to I explore? How open should I go and how scared should I be? What do I hold on to and what do I let go of? Myself. I know I always hold on to myself, because that's all I ultimately have, even though it's not enough for me just yet. I do know I need to take care of me. Respectable and strong women surrounded by fellow healthy and respectable people are my role models right now. For the days I really don't like to look in the mirror and see anything good in myself, I focus on admiring the Angelina Jolies and Pinks of the world. Thank you strong celebrity ladies for representing tough chickies around the world. This is, of course, only speaking of media women and not of the incredible and TRUE celebrities of the world all around me. That's right, all the mamas and other strong women who make it everyday. Thank you for kicking my butt frequently and reminding me to do what I need to for a good strong future. So, soon I begin the trek to my dad's house. I'm incredibly lucky that it's only 5-5 1/2 hours away, but that's still time and space from a branch of my family and heart, and that's never easy. I don't know how long I'll stay...I don't know exactly how things will go...but this place has served it's purpose perfectly, and now I have to try to be strong and continue to better myself. I'm not sure if a college degree or other papers will really add to who I am at the end of the day, but maybe it's more the fact that I know I'm trying to take care of me. That I'm making myself strong. Hopefully I'll earn respect for myself by growing for once, and not through surviving incredible hardships. A pattern I am okay with changing. I hope this is just an addition and not a replacement, though. I love these people. With my whole heart. I don't doubt I'll meet new people and make friends over time, but I'm still scared of losing and letting go. The scared little one inside is crossing her arms, stamping her foot and sticking her lip out at any more change and loss. I found love, and dammit, I wanna keep it! I know that's not how it works, though. Real love will be proud of me for learning to stand on my own...which is why I do what I have to do to take care of me...for myself, and for them. Maybe I just read into everything too much, in which case, welcome to my mind! *Chuckles and shakes head* I'm tired. It's been a long and lovely day, mostly quiet and slow paced, full of movies and smiles...just the way I like it. I'm missing myself a tall person and a Mama-sister, but I have my oldest on the computer next to me talking to his lady, and two little ones that finished Beauty and the Beast not too long ago and should be sound asleep now, so what more can I ask for? And now to wrap up this small novel of a first new blog post and go curl up to the Polar Express or some other fabulous movie. Good night and welcome to my new spot on the web. I need a fresh start to really learn and define me. Well, at least as much as someone like myself CAN be defined. I'm not really the box type. ^_~ Lots of love always and forever. ♥Beanie