Sometimes I wish I could figure out what it would take to be enough. There are times when it hurts too much, and I get tired of pretending I'm just fine so that everyone else can be okay. I mean, it's what I do. I take it upon myself to bear the world on my shoulders so that others can have the peace I'm not sure how to attain. I guess in my head, if I'm not going to have peace anyway, I might as well go the extra mile to help someone else have it. Still, there are times I'd like for someone to really get it. Maybe it's about being okay with who I am in my own shoes, but I think I'm getting better at not apologizing for who I am, so what then? What's wrong with wanting people to see you and understand you? Maybe I can't handle that. I am incredibly broken and burned, indeed. Still, I'm tired of living with these daggers and blades in my heart. Settling for the pain. Will I ever sincerely laugh again? Consistently and frequently? Will I ever feel honest again? I feel a liar as I walk around with my mask of "okay" on. I have improved and healed and gotten better than I was, but sometimes I still don't know if I've actually achieved "okay." Love scares me for I don't want to be torn apart again, but does anyone really love broken anyway? I don't know. Maybe this is a gift in disguise for the days when I'm a bit more whole. Today is a day of frustration and pain in my heart. I am breathing, though, and about to let it all go for the moment and numb myself with movies and television. Here's to hoping your day is brighter and full of peace.
♥Beanie
"My sweetness is to wake in the night after days of dry heat, hearing the rain." - W.B.
I've seen you laugh, wholehearedly, sincerely, belly aching, can't breathe laugh.
ReplyDeleteAs for the broken.. we know, and are standing by with duct tape and superglue :)
There is NOTHING wrong with wanting people to see you for who you are, and understand and accept and love that you.
I miss you lady.
I was just telling Briley that of all the people who know me or know a lot about me, or that I'm close to and such, that you are the only one who sees me completely and really gets it. Thank you for understanding, and standing by me when it's hard and even though I'm broken. Thank you for thinking I'm beautiful this way, too. I love you. Miss you. (Hug)
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